It's Been a Long Time

Dear Dad,

I haven't written in four months. It sounds crazy but I feel incredibly guilty about this fact. I think about you daily, but even though we have HUGE family news it takes so much emotion to sit down and write.

The big news is our third child is coming this July! I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I think bringing children into our family always gives me a greater sense of loss when it comes to the people they won't have in their life. Specifically you.

You would have been the best grandfather on the planet. Don't get me wrong - I love my father-in-law. Actually, I feel extremely blessed to have him. He welcomed me into the family with open arms, and absolutely adores my kids. But it isn't you.

When I was single we talked daily and you would take me out to lunch all the time. I can only imagine how it would be if you had grandchildren to visit - I would never get you out of my house.

I dream about how you would have car seats with saw dust on them and tools sitting in the middle seat so you could take the boys whenever possible. I envision you taking them to work with you as your helper, or teaching them to skate.

Sometimes it makes me a better and more fun mother because I remember the games and silly tricks you did with Katelyn and I as kids and I share them with the boys. Sometimes it makes me worse because Peter doesn't know why mommy is crying.

When I show them pictures of you and tell them that this is my daddy and that you are their grandpa they tell me, "No, Mommy, Daddy's dad is my grandpa."

One day they will understand, but not now.

I have videos of you from family events and hockey games. I want to watch them. I want to show them to the boys. I still can't bring myself to do it though. One day.

As we get ready for our third child, there is one thing that makes me smile. Brett longs to have a baby girl. He says that all he wants is the kind of father-daughter relationship he saw between you and I (clearly he didn't know our relationship when I was a teenager - HAHA).

We will be happy either way. Another boy or a girl will be a blessing. We just wish they had both their grandfathers.

Miss you,
Pumpkin