Strep Throat, OJ and Ice Cream Sandwiches

Dear Dad,

I am sick. Aaron is sick. Peter is sick. It sucks!

We all have Strep and I have the added bonus of Bronchitis and some infection in my throat that is giving me a major ear ache.

I don't know why these odd things stick out in my head, but I remember the last time I had Strep VERY well. Maybe because you were there. I remember waking up with a fever that was so high I fainted in the shower. You immediately came to my apartment to take me to the doctor since you didn't think it was safe for me to drive.

I remember going to the Safeway Pharmacy after to fill my prescription and you getting me OJ and ice cream sandwiches, just like you always did when I had anything to do with a sore throat.

It was the last time I was ever sick during your life, but like every other time in my life you were there to take care of me. Even though I was 24 years old.

When I think about how difficult today was. Trying to take care of myself AND my kids. Not being able to take myself to the doctor because I was delirious from fever. I cry. Where is my Dad to take care of me? Where is the person who always dropped everything to get me what I needed to feel better?

I would do anything to have that back. To have you back.

Don't get me wrong, Brett takes great care of me. As soon as he gets off work he goes into over drive taking care of this family; but he has a "regular" job. He isn't his own boss, and he has a limited number of sick days.

Tonight after Urgent Care (for me) and the Pediatrician for the boys we stopped by the Safeway Pharmacy, picked up prescriptions, OJ and ice cream sandwiches.

Here are your Grandson's enjoying a little treat:

Peter


Aaron


I told them that my Daddy used to get me ice cream sandwiches when I was sick and Peter told me you must have had great ideas.

You had a lot of great qualities, but the way you took care of me when I was sick (which was always) really stands out to me today.

I love you,
Jill

Dream a Little Dream

Dear Dad,

I don't know if you remember this, but the night before Grandpa Dec died I had gotten home from being out of town and decided I was too tired to go visit him. Although, I was almost relieved when he finally passed away because he was suffering so much at the end, the fact that I hadn't seen him that last time was really hard to bear.

A few months later I had a dream that I was in the study of the apartment and he was outside the window. Clearly a ghost and clearly saying good bye. I remember vividly waking up feeling calm and without regret. My dream gave me a sense of closure and I was able to move on.

When you died I prayed for that dream. But in four and a half years it hasn't come. You have never even been in a dream as a background person. Until last night.

Last night I had a dream that you were in my current home (a place where you have obviously never been in life) and walked down to the basement to do something. That was the only amount of time that I actually saw you. Then a phone rang (which in my dream I knew was yours). It was a Droid sitting on my entryway table (which I thought was weird because a. you always had Nextel, b. you weren't living in the age of "smart phones" and c. you ALWAYS kept your phone on your hip... cause you are a dork).

The next thing I knew I was awake, confused and trying desperately to go to sleep and get back to you and my dream.

The closure I was looking for has not come. Guess I will keep waiting.

Love you,
Jilly Bean

It's Been a Long Time

Dear Dad,

I haven't written in four months. It sounds crazy but I feel incredibly guilty about this fact. I think about you daily, but even though we have HUGE family news it takes so much emotion to sit down and write.

The big news is our third child is coming this July! I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I think bringing children into our family always gives me a greater sense of loss when it comes to the people they won't have in their life. Specifically you.

You would have been the best grandfather on the planet. Don't get me wrong - I love my father-in-law. Actually, I feel extremely blessed to have him. He welcomed me into the family with open arms, and absolutely adores my kids. But it isn't you.

When I was single we talked daily and you would take me out to lunch all the time. I can only imagine how it would be if you had grandchildren to visit - I would never get you out of my house.

I dream about how you would have car seats with saw dust on them and tools sitting in the middle seat so you could take the boys whenever possible. I envision you taking them to work with you as your helper, or teaching them to skate.

Sometimes it makes me a better and more fun mother because I remember the games and silly tricks you did with Katelyn and I as kids and I share them with the boys. Sometimes it makes me worse because Peter doesn't know why mommy is crying.

When I show them pictures of you and tell them that this is my daddy and that you are their grandpa they tell me, "No, Mommy, Daddy's dad is my grandpa."

One day they will understand, but not now.

I have videos of you from family events and hockey games. I want to watch them. I want to show them to the boys. I still can't bring myself to do it though. One day.

As we get ready for our third child, there is one thing that makes me smile. Brett longs to have a baby girl. He says that all he wants is the kind of father-daughter relationship he saw between you and I (clearly he didn't know our relationship when I was a teenager - HAHA).

We will be happy either way. Another boy or a girl will be a blessing. We just wish they had both their grandfathers.

Miss you,
Pumpkin